Saturday, March 10, 2007
When should someone disclose?
Gwen felt she was female. The defendants, apparently all heterosexual men, were attracted to her. It is typical for transgender females to date outside the gay community. Gay men, for the most part, are not attracted to females. That is why they are gay. So it is common and usually necessary for transgender females to find their boyfriends in the heterosexual community. Often telling someone that you are transgender will forever change the way they think about you. In the case of a romantic relationship, it could mean breaking up. Very often telling someone means telling everyone in the peer group. This information is so “juicy” that many people can not keep it to themselves. Everyone finds out very quickly. When should a transgender person disclose, if ever, that they are transgender? If they are post operative do they still need too? Should you wait for someone to fall in love with you before you tell them?
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23 comments:
I think you should tell them at the beginning of the relationship because some people aren't okay with it and it will hurt them more if they are already fall in love with you, and sometimes people want to hurt people back that hurt them...sometimes emotional and sometimes physical. I don't feel this is right but some people have poor control over they're anger.
If a person facing trans issues (someone who is now living according to a sex role other than what they given at birth) is thinking about dating or is desiring to act on a romantic, sexually motivated attraction then I believe they should disclose in advance and according to safe practices. They could explain that due to issues of sexual identity they eventually decided to live in the sex role that works best for them. It is really up to the other person to decide what they are going to do or if they are going to try and explore mixed or difficult feelings beyond the superficial encounter.
My thought is that people who have trans issues should make the disclosure whether or not they have body parts that match their chosen gender expression. Besides, if their goal is to build a real, lasting relationship then they will want to avoid anything that could potentially sabotage it later. If all they want is sex, they can avoid a dangerous situation by avoiding people or situations where panic could errupt. Heterosexuals (particularly males)who are confronted with homosexual feelings following contact or intimate experiences with trans issues frequently undergo tremendous stress.
If someone (who is dealing with trans issues) is simply socializing without moving beyond a plutonic encounter they need not disclose. This is a personal choice and some people have pointed to the advantages of not making a disclosure in order to keep things otherwise normal. Other's may feel that transparence is a primary factor in building an authentic life and therefor experience a need to tell just about anyone who isn't a complete stranger.
Mixing alcohol or any other mood or mind-altering substance together with a panic situation can trigger a dangerous set of factors. Emotions become exaggerated, reasoning and judgment skills are distorted and diminish as boundaries about what is right or wrong are blurred. Effected individuals merge into something closer to a group consciousness and then begin to surrender their sense of autonomy, especially when it comes to handling a more difficult or stressful situation (mob rule).
Maybe eventually in a future society and generation, education and cultural differences will reduce the incidence of panic in relationships involving trans or queer issues. People may one day arrive at a place where they don't feel threatoned by these issues or traits in ways that they do today.
More than others, I think a person with trans issues should steer clear of environments involving drugs or alcohol or areas where acting out sexually is a possibility. In general, they are far more vulnerable in just about every social setting.
Being trans in essence strips people of many learned or natural defense systems. Their life with it's frail identity is out there for others to judge it anyway they see fit. Unfortunately in many cases, the knowledge that someone is trans comes with heavy dosages of urban myths and negative stereotypes that can lead to a pretty messed up set of expectations that limit the social movements of people with sexual identity issues.
Much more rare are people who form their own independent opinions of a trans person and who are able to evaluate each person for who he or she is regardless of the effects of society's bias towards transgender people.
If you are going to kiss someone, you better make them aware of you gender. Self-Perceived, AND physical, and ORIGIONAL if post-op. They sort of have a right to know.
I have read and think that there are various views that people have about this situation. These things become more practical or emotional where the thought process of consideration of the act, may not be as advanced. What may begin as an “encounter” turns into the prospect for a relationship.
There are times that you may not want a long term relationship. If you are pre-op and plan on having sex, I think that it is best to be honest before you are intimate with someone else. The literal disclosure of your anatomy, may be a dangerous issue. Even if it is unintended, the danger is VERY real.
For the post-op folks, well there are a few differing ways of thinking. If it is a short term relationship and you are both consenting adults.....hey there is something to be said about a "fling", but as sometimes happens, if you develop feelings for this person and you have not disclosed your past, then there may be some serious trust issues that could be difficult for you to sort out. The good news is that they are not insurmountable.
Being honest is, in a practical sense, the best place to start any relationship if you are planning on a future. Emotionally, this is also the most difficult for many of us who are easily hurt when we are rejected because of our pasts regardless of how long ago that was. There can be more of a future for the relationship, if it can survive this disclosure and THAT is the positive thing that could come from being forthright.
In life, there are double standards. Guys are hardly ever so honest about their sexual exploits, encounters, or the numbers involved, out of fear of frightening women away. Your name may be mud, if you are the woman that has similar issues and confidences which you may wish to be kept private. So are you a “mysterious" woman who has secrets, or does that it make you a liar? I prefer to think that all women have and keep aspects of their pasts private. Whether you are a genetic woman or a trans-woman we should have the same purgative, up to a point.
Why should a woman have to live up to a higher standard, than a man? I suppose that getting to know someone before you are intimate with another person, goes a long way in answering most of the questions about someone's past and of course, THAT should be a fundamental aspect of knowing who you are sleeping with, BEFORE you get to that stage in any relationship. Personal responsibility, run (or should), in BOTH directions. Do you have the right to get angry with someone that you hardly know and have slept with, if you discover a disappointing historical fact about them?
I think that thought process takes a HUGE sense of entitlement and dismisses your own obligations, to discuss the important parts of your life with this someone special.
The bottom line is that you should tell them if you want things to go beyond casual sex and for those on the other side of the issue, if you do not get to know this person do you have the right to get upset when you learn that not doing your homework was left you once again unprepared to handle those situations that life hands us all at one time or another.
a7pointstar
Personally I think it should be your choice whether or not you disclose your past gender with them. On one hand in every relationship you want to be honest and up front from the beginning but on the other hand for instance say you were born with both sexes?? Would you tell everyone right when you meet them that that’s how you were born? Or would you wait and establish that special bond or trust before you told them? In reality you don’t tell the world up front everything about you so why would you tell someone that right away? Should you walk up and introduce yourself as “Hi my name is Jane Doe and I was born as a man” or “Hi my name is Jane Doe I previously had a sexually transmitted disease” or “Hi my name is Jane Doe and I used to live in New York” etc….. No that’s completely ludicrous. It is your personal and private business!! It’s your choice what you tell them about yourself and shouldn’t feel pressured to tell anyone anything that you are not comfortable with. In the end why should it even matter what you were born as?? All that should matter is what you are now and who you are now.
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I think anything personal like that shouldn't have to be disclosed until that person feels like it is the right time. Just like any other person. Some people like telling their life story when they meet you and there are some that don't even like to give out any kind of information. Although it is true some people would find this crazy if they didn't find out till later on but either way, you cannot help they way other people react, everyone will react differently. Also, why should someone have to tell what sex they are, biological women who are socially and emotionally women don't go on dates and say "oh and by the way I am a woman." And even if they did, without a DNA test they could still be wrong.
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